Toastmaster Jokes

I've volunteered to be the Jokemaster at tonight's Area 54 Speech Contest. It's a first for me outside of our club environment. I have to present two jokes, the first prior to the beginning of the Evaluation Contest and the second prior to the beginning of the International Speech Contest. The guidelines given me were that the first should relate to contests, the second to public speaking. Here goes:

Joke #1

Contests and competitions are great fun, and there's probably no greater known contest than the race between the tortoise and the hare. Well, the snail heard about it and wanted to try his skill at some racing action as well, but was decidedly at a disadvantage. So he figured he would try car racing, and went to the local racetrack to enter the NASCAR competition.

The track manager scoffed at him, but the snail convinced him to let him enter. "Only one condition," stated the track manager. "You must drive with a big red 'S' on the top of your car to let everyone know you are a snail." The snail agreed and lined up for the big start. The race began, and predictably, the snail was in last place. But as time went on, he began to move ahead and was overtaking the more experienced drivers. One by one they fell to his superior driving skills, and the crowd was going crazy as they shouted "Look at that S-Car go!"

Joke # 2

Our friend the snail was victorious in his first attempt at NASCAR racing, but when it came to his first interview in front of the racetrack crowd and millions of TV viewers, he instantly froze and dropped dead on the spot. When he arrived in Snail Heaven, the Snail Guardian of the Gate asked him what happened. He responded, "My two greatest fears are death and public speaking. I just chose the lesser of two evils."